Wedding Planning and Etiquette
Traditional Running order of a wedding
Sample Order of Service Content
The planning of a wedding, or civil partnership, can be both daunting and exciting, but it will never be dull! Whether small and informal or a major formal event, the key to having a truly happy and memorable day is in the planning, and in ensuring that the correct etiquette is followed so that everyone knows you have got everything right. Although understanding all the etiquette can in itself be daunting, a little time spent understanding how to do things ensures that what you do and the way that you do it follows a set of rules that everyone can accept and will offend no-one.
There are now many more possible venues for the marriage ceremony than was once the case, and whilst a wedding in the religious setting that suits the couples' beliefs is still very popular, for those that do not follow a particular religion, or wish to find a location that suits their own requirements, the register office is no longer the only alternative option. Many hotels and places of interest have successfully applied for licenses to hold marriage ceremonies, and it is worth checking whether such a license exists or could be obtained if, as many people like to have both ceremony and reception at the same place.
Witnesses
All marriages and civil partnerships must be witnessed by at least two people over the age of 18 in addition to the authorised person performing the ceremony.
The ceremony
The type of ceremony, whether religious or civil, is decided by the bride and bridegroom, and should not be the result of pressure from any quarter. Once the decision is made then the Vicar, Priest, Rabbi etc. or the register office must be consulted to identify availability and to book the arrangements. The notice needed will depend upon the religion, the location and the time of year that is desired for the ceremony.
The reception
Traditionally, the reception is organised by the bride's parents, and in the event that the tradition is to be followed, the bride's parents should be the first to be consulted. However, although many still follow this tradition, there are many arrangements made over the reception, with parents of both the bride and groom taking joint responsibility for the reception, and frequently the bride and groom themselves take full responsibility for the reception and become the sole hosts for the event as well. The important facts to remember when deciding on how the reception will be organised are the means of those who have to pay for it, and the feelings of those who would wish to be consulted. Follow these guidelines and you will be assured of a happy day.
The date and time of the wedding are critical, and in setting a date it is, of course, vital to ensure that the key participants, the parents and close family, will be available on the day as well as the bride and groom. It is usual to plan ahead at least six months to ensure the maximum number of people that you would like to attend do not have prior engagements, but as the selection and booking of a reception venue can often require the greatest lead time, it is best to resolve availability for your chosen date early on. Ideally, choose a number of possible dates that you know will suit the key members of your families and your friends and then attempt to book the ceremony and the reception venue, and be prepared to be flexible or you may well be disappointed.
The Spring and Summer months are still favourites for weddings, because flowers are plentiful and weather is more likely to be pleasant, but there is an increasing trend towards Autumn and Christmas weddings as well. It is important to remember that Church of England and Roman Catholic churches do not usually perform weddings during lent.
The favoured time of day for a wedding is mid-day or early afternoon. This allows plenty of time for people with any distance to travel to do so, and does not make the return journey too late for those that cannot stay for the evening, if an evening reception is to be held. It also allows the reception meal to be taken mid-afternoon which is late enough for most who had an early start. Saturdays remain the most popular day for a wedding as this avoids difficulties for most of those that work, but with venues difficult to obtain, a weekday wedding is increasingly popular.
There is no "right" number of people who should attend the reception, and this can be as large or as small as you want yourselves, and you can afford. The important thing here is that if you are going to limit numbers, don't pick an arbitrary number as a maximum, but rather choose the people according to their closeness to you. It can be that you invite only immediate family and no friends, or you might include just close friends. You could choose to invite immediate family, wider family (such as Uncles and Aunts), and close friends or you may wish to invite a larger group altogether. The difficulty that makes the choice of numbers particularly hard is ensuring that by inviting one person or couple you don't offend another who might expect to be invited as well. The simplest way around this for most people is to invite close family and friends to the daytime reception, and then have an evening reception (often with dancing and a buffet) for your wider circle of friends and aquaintences. This can keep the cost down and ensure everyone feels included.
The wedding breakfast, or reception meal, takes place after the ceremony, and can take a number of forms. The most common tradition is a fully seated meal with waitress service, although there are many alternatives to this. Some choose a fully seated meal but allow people to get up and walk to a buffet to obtain their meal before returning to their seat. In other cases the seating and food arrangements are very informal, and this is all a matter of choice.
The table plan
This can be a tricky matter, but good advice is always to consult as few people as possible regarding the seating arrangements - usually just parents of both bride and groom. Otherwise everyone will have a favourite that they wish to sit with, and it will be impossible to accommodate everyone's wishes. Remember that it is often an opportunity for friends to renew aquaintences, but also an opportunity for everyone to meet new people as well, so ensure people are not isolated, but neither are they only seated with close friends and family. A mix of the two works very well, and can provide for the start of new friendships - a lovely legacy of your special day!
It is traditional for the top table to contain the bride and groom, the parents of both bride and groom, the best man and the bridesmaids. It is not usual for partners or spouses of the wedding attendants to be seated at the top table (even where bridesmaids are adult).
Traditional Responsibilities (although many of these are often shared)
Bride and Groom jointly arrange the service with the clergyman or the official celebrant. They also draw up a wedding present list where there is to be one
The Bride arranges the decoration of church, decides upon the music, chooses the bridesmaids and both her own and her attendant's dresses
The Groom chooses the best man and ushers. He normally pays for the rings, all fees and expenses at the church or other marriage location (except decoration), the bridesmaid's gifts, and those he may wish to give to his best man and ushers, bouquets for the bridesmaids and his bride, transport for himself and the best man to the wedding, and for himself and his bride to the reception, and the honeymoon.
The parents of bride and groom collaborate with the bride and groom to draw up the guest list, and although it is traditional for the bride's father to pay for the reception, as he is the official host, many arrangements are made around this significant cost according to the circumstances of the people involved. The hosts will also provide the invitations, orders of service, the cost of the flowers in the church, the photographer and the wedding cake
Planning and organisation
In order to ensure everything happens as you want it to, and to avoid keeping guests waiting, it is wise to spend some time and thought on the running order of the day, including the church or ceremony timings, transportation for everyone to and from the wedding, and what happens at the reception - such as the official receiving of the guests, photographs, drinks before the meal, the timing of the meal, speeches etc. Having drawn up a plan, it's worth remembering that people won't know where to go and what to do when they arrive and may need help. This is where the ushers come in - they should be there to help, to ensure people go into the church on time, find their seats, then have excellent directions to the reception venue, and guide people once there to where they need to be and when. It is a very good idea to appoint or hire a toastmaster in order to ensure that the various things happen when you want them to, and to ensure that people are called to the meal, the cutting of the cake and the speeches at the right time. It can be very distressing for some if they miss out because they weren't aware that an important event was about to take place.
In church
Make sure that anything you plan to occur in church or other ceremony venue has the blessing of the clergyman. Not all churches are happy to see cameras or video recorders inside, and many will insist either that no confetti is thrown, or that only biodegradable confetti is used, and they may be specific about where it can be used. Do make sure that the church or location you choose can accommodate all of your guests, and that they can be seated in such a way that there aren't people who cannot see what is going on.
Wedding Invitations
The wording for invitations is important, and the selection below shows the most common forms of wording that are in use:
if the hosts are the bride's parents:
Mr and Mrs Peter Forbes
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Rachel Elizabeth
to
Mr. Alistair Duncan
at St. Peter and St Paul, Everington
on Saturday 17th July 2006 at 2.00pm
and afterwards at The Grand Hotel, Everington
R.S.V.P.
12 Silas Way
Everington
PL12 1BP
OR
Mr and Mrs Peter Forbes
request the pleasure of the company of
....................................................
at the marriage of their daughter
Rachel Elizabeth
to
Mr. Alistair Duncan
at St. Peter and St Paul, Everington
on Saturday 17th July 2006 at 2.00pm
and afterwards at The Grand Hotel, Everington
R.S.V.P.
12 Silas Way
Everington
PL12 1BP
If the hosts are the bride and groom themselves, then the wording would be altered to read:
Miss Rachel Elizabeth Forbes and Mr. Alistair Duncan
request the pleasure of your company
at their marriage
at St. Peter and St Paul, Everington
on Saturday 17th July 2006 at 2.00pm
and afterwards at The Grand Hotel, Everington
R.S.V.P.
12 Silas Way
Everington
PL12 1BP
alternatively, if the bride's parents are not the hosts, or are deceased the host issuing the invitation will be substituted for "Mr. and Mrs. Peter Forbes" and the "marriage of their daughter" will be changed approriately -e.g. if the host is the bride's Aunt:
Mrs Patricia Forbes
requests the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of her neice
Rachel Elizabeth
to
Mr. Alistair Duncan
at St. Peter and St Paul, Everington
on Saturday 17th July 2006 at 2.00pm
and afterwards at The Grand Hotel, Everington
R.S.V.P.
12 Silas Way
Everington
PL12 1BP
Of course, the wording that is used for an invitation is a personal choice, and no-one is bound by tradition or etiquette. The suggestions shown above are simply those that would be used traditionally, and it is perfectly correct to alter the wording to suit the circumstances and the wedding. The important thing to remember is to ensure that all the vital information is included - the names of the hosts and of the brid and groom - the date, time and location of the wedding and of any reception or party that follows the ceremony and to which the recipient is also invited, and the place, email address and/or telephone number to which the recipient should reply, and, if appropriate, by when.
Click here for a simple Wedding Planner checklist of the key things you need to remember when planning your wedding
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